BREAKING: Matthew Stafford killed President John F. Kennedy

SEATTLE — Wow.  Absolute bombshell news out of Seattle tonight.  Matthew Stafford killed John Fitzgerald Kennedy, the 35th President of the United States of America in 1963.  Obviously the news is just breaking, and not many details are available at the moment, but it’s safe to say that this is going to be the most talked about news story of the NFL season.

The first takeaway, obviously, is that Matt Stafford is much older than he has led on.  The birth certificate he has provided to the NFL and the Detroit Lions claims that he was born in 1988, but sources close to One Minute Sports claim he could have been born as early as 1943.  We have recently acquired an exclusive photo of Matt Stafford, which could show truth to the rumors that he is much older than he claims.


What does this mean for the Detroit Lions immediate future?  As of right now, neither the team nor the League has made a statement regarding Stafford role in the JFK assassination, but expect the Lions to release him within the next couple of days to separate themselves from the controversy.

As for Stafford, he is likely to be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.


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