Goodell is coming for Jesus, Chris Ivory is coming for Europe, and other stuff happened……The Jets are back!!!

Okay, first things first, I may or may not have slept through my 9:20 alarm, making me miss the first quarter-and-a-half of the game….

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In my defense, this idea of having a game start at 9:30 in the morning is insanity. I get it Goodell, you wanna reach into the pockets of every continent in the world, whatever. But sir, I draw the line at putting games in the morning on a Sunday. Sunday mornings are for hangovers, walks of shame and Jesus. Jesus appeased Goodel when he took Sunday afternoons, but now he’s coming for mornings??? This isn’t right Goodell. You already pissed of an entire region of the country by trying to frame their pretty boy, don’t make the same mistake of pissing off every single college kid by making them wake up. Trust me, there is nothing college kids hate more than being woken up. Make the start time in London at 10:00 at night if you have to, but do not fuck with the sleep schedule of a hungover college student.

Other Stuff:

  • Chris Ivory is a MOOSE. We’ve all known it for a long time, but now the rest of the league, nay, the rest of the world has been exposed to the beast that is Chris Ivory. He is 100% a top 5, if not a top three running back in the league. 166 yards, the most by any Jets back since Thomas Jones in 2009 went for 210 yards. Absolute beastmode. It’s amazing how different of a team this is with and without him. Talk about the quarterback all you want, but when Ivory if off the field the offense just refuses to moves.
    • What ever happened to Thomas Jones? Dude just fell of the face of the earth
  • Santonio Holmes 2.0 and Mr. Jessie James Decker are one hell of a combo. Combined for 11 catches, 172 yards and a touchdown. This is gonna be awesome until Marshall starts complaining about touches and Decker hurts his hamstring for the fifty-thousandth time.
  • The defense did what the defense is going to do all year. They’re very aggressive, so with the high number of takeaways, you’re also going to get burned for big plays and long drives. What’s inexcusable though is 14 penalties for 163 yards. That comes from the Rex Ryan school of football. Yes, some of the pass interference calls were kinda bullshit (see above for my dad’s hot takes), but there were so many stupid holdings and stupid infractions and stupid mental errors that kept the flippers in the game. If this defense really wants to be a top flight one, they can’t let a trashy Dolphins team anywhere near a win.
  • The Dolphins are a disaster. There was some hype surrounding this team at the beginning of the year and they’ve shown absolutely nothing. Tannehill was supposed to take a step forward, they signed indomingkung Suh, all the pieces were coming together aaaaaannnddd
  • Fitzy was what Fitzy is, which is a woolly mammoth Harvard version of Chad Pennington. He made dink and dunk throws, kept the football moving, and gave the ball to Chris Ivory. If that happens, the Jets have a chance to win games. If that doesn’t happen, the Jets will not win games. It’s almost that simple.
  • David Harris, Leonard Williams and Calvin Prior all got hurt in yesterday’s game. That sucks. Bowles said Harris should be okay. Pryor just has a bad bruise, it probably hurts a lot, but he’ll play two weeks from now. Williams has a sprained ankle, so he’s iffy, but it helps that the Jets have the bye week……
  • ….Oh, it also helps that they get this guy back

Two weeks off, be sure to take the wife, girlfriend, mistress, apple picking this Sunday. No Mets playoffs, no Jets football. It’s your funeral if you don’t heed this advice and you’re stuck on a stupid farm while the Jets and the Pats match up at 5-1 in a few weeks. Washington’s next, time to replicate what our ancestors did and obliterate these Indians. Sorry, sorry, Native Americans.

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