Youngbloods player profile: Matty Simons

Some believe him only to be an urban legend. A fairy tale, a myth, a bedtime story. He who shall not be named. Matty fucking Simons. He was born in the fire and brimstone and raised by wolves. Matt’s raw power on the softball diamond stems from his days of chopping down trees with his bear hands. He rules everything softball. He hails from the prestigious softball leagues of the Sahara. There they would play in temperatures upwards of 140 degrees. But nothing could phase Simons. He came to the United States as a part of a good will softball tour. Here he played the best competition in the world. El Capitan saw something in this man-boy. He saw the raw potential oozing out Simmons pores. Simons had to make the difficult decision to leave his wolfpack behind and join the youngbloods. But he didn’t come cheap. There’s a price to pay for greatness. The numbers havn’t been disclosed but El Capitan had to do some serious negotiating to get him here. Simons has locked down some major sponsorships, starring in commercials for Viagra. He has been romantically linked to the puppet from those DirectTV commercials.

He’s posed nude for playgirl. Twice. And was cut from this years ESPN the magazines body issue, for being TOO good looking. Simons natural position is out in right field where he covers more ground than a cheetah on cocaine. When he steps up to the plate he strikes fear into the heart of pitchers. I’m not gunna lie, the thought of simons death glare at the plate puts me at half chub. He bombed one to left field last game but didn’t want to embarrass the other team so he decided to keep it to a triple. He took home the most valuable player award in the Youngbloods first ever win, solidifying his spot as a first ballot Youngbloods hall of famer. Ladies, I know for a fact he’s hiding a 10 inch python under those softball shorts, so I suggest after the game today you take this youngbloods great for a ride on the F-train.

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