How to spend the 4th-sports guide
12:00 ESPN- France vs Germany
This is about as anti-America of a game as there is, so if you pass over this one I don’t blame you. But if you DO watch, we’re rooting for France. They are part the reason we beat the Brits ass….twice and Germany’s ass…..twice. They’ve got red, white and Blú on their flag so fuck it, they’re America today in soccer.
Yankees vs. Twins YES/ESPN- 3:00
People who read this blog know I hate the Yankees, but on a day like today, ya gotta do what ya gotta do. The Yankees aren’t that good this year so it doesn’t really hurt to root for them, and the jap isn’t pitching. Plus Minnesota is BARELY in America.
Brazil vs. Columbia- ESPN- 4:00
There is nothing more American than pure, uncut sweet sweet cocaine. And Columbia is the Coke capital of the world. You do the math, then a little bump before the night is through. For America.
5:30-7:00- pre-night buzz
Time to get ready for the night. Grill some burgers and dogs, drink some buds, put on your Flag undies and get your buzz on. A little warmup. Don’t go in cold, that’s what foreigners do.
Mets vs. Rangers- SNY- 7:10
This game is gonna suck to watch, but you have to do it for freedom. The Mets are terrible, but are made up of stricktly white, American players. It doesn’t help in winning games, but on the 4th of July that is a championship squad. Uncle Sam will give the Mets a victory today
Booze till you lose-
Gotta go all out. For America. For freedom. There’s nothing more American than getting blackout drunk and making bad decisions, so every patriot reading today should follow that lead. Beer, shots, fireworks, America.